It May Be Crazy, But It's My Life and I'm Loving It!

God is enough; God is enough. I've been having to say that a lot today.

Phoenix Children's Hospital is going to be a place that I am going to become very familar with over these next two months. TJ is going in for an MRI on his brain to see if he is actually having seizures (it could be what we're seeing is a coping mechanism; crossing our fingers) and an MRI on his lumbar to check for some gastro. issues. Unfortunately, due to his young age, it will require sedation. YIKES! I don't want my baby under sedation! But, we need to get to the bottom of things, so, I'm out of the boat, walking on the water towards Jesus with my head held high. Everything was scheduled today and he goes in on September 1st; check-in time is 1:00 PM, he is scheduled at 2:00 PM.

As if that wasn't enough of a hassle today trying to get two different departments to schedule their tests at the same time on the same day for TJ's MRIs (which I was successful at!), Mark and I took Vanessa to her regularly scheduled orthopedic surgeon's appointment to see how her scoliosis is doing (she has been wearing a back brace for over a year now). Now, we are not in denial, we have been keeping mental track of how well she has been responding to the treatment and the fact that with each visit the curvation is steadily increasing instead of staying the same, has prepared us for the slight possibility that the brace is not working.

Well, the visit went as we expected, not hoped. Her curvature is significantly worse since the last visit (up 4 degrees) and she is now well within the recommended surgery range for spinal fusion. YIKES squared! What that means is they are going to go in and put pins and rods in the upper part of her spine to straighten her spine out. Her surgery has been scheduled for Monday, October 5th at Phoenix Children's Hospital at 7 AM; check-in time at 5 AM. She will be in ICU for at least the first twenty fours, her stay will be from 4 to 7 days. She will miss about 3 months of school and it will take her a full year to recover (she won't be able to lift anything over 5 pounds for an entire year). Phoenix Children's Hospital has a great spinal fusion program; we get to tour the hospital ahead of time and she will be able to see all the different machines that she will be on and having to use, as well as be able to ask any questions that she may, as well as us being able to ask questions. I will also be able to stay with her during her entire stay (they even have a washer and dryer for families to use!).

So, that is just a portion of my crazy life today. There is the depressed sixteen year old (her marine boyfriend headed back to Camp Pendleton for 3 weeks of MT training and then he will going to Randolph Air Force Base in TX for more training). Not happy about the age difference, he is very nice young man, just think that she is way too young to be thinking that he is her future.

I was trying to get a paper done for school, but the on-line library database won't let me open up any pdf files, so I gave up for the evening. It has allowed me the opportunity to rethink my day and start planning how I am going to manage to get everyone where they need to be and cared for while I'm at the hospital during Vanessa's entire stay. In the quietness, I was reminded that in troubled waters God is there.

Did I mention that after the orthopedic surgeon appointment we had to rush home to meet TJ's home therapist and CPS case manager? They stayed over an hour and were very supportive of not only TJ but of our situation with Vanessa and they both spent time talking to all the kids about things that they have seen with TJ and how having him around has affected them. It was great that they see us a family unit, not just TJ and mom. They are both so excited to see how much he has progressed since he was removed from his previous foster placement and how much his emergency receiving placement and we've been able to do for him. It was at his emergency receiving placement that he finally started interacting and talking and now that he's with us, he's non-stop chatter and go!

As I told TJ's team tonight, this is my crazy life, I love my children and I love my husband and I wouldn't have it any other way. The reason why I wouldn't have it any other way is that I have full confidence in knowing that God is Enough. He has my back, and everything else. I am blessed.

I'd Rather Live in a Box

“I’d rather live in a box than live with this family” is what my youngest adopted daughter informed me Saturday morning. I have to say that there are many times that I feel the same way. Being the good mom that I am (or I try to be), I tried to talk with her about why she felt that way. When she wouldn’t even talk with me, I asked her questions like, where would you get food, how would get your clothes clean, how would stay cool in the summer, etc. That didn’t work, so I tried from a reverse psychology perspective – you don’t like here because you have a full size bed, you get to go to the movies, you get to go on vacation, etc. Still didn’t work, so now I wait for her to finally feel comfortable enough to share with me what is going on in her head.

While I wait, what I am supposed to do? That was the question that I posed to myself this morning as I replayed this conversation during my quiet time with the Lord. Then a scene from my favorite movie (“Fireproof”) came to mind, Kirk Cameron’s character, Kaleb, is reading his bible, praying and going about his day to day business in a God seeking manner while he waits for his wife to see this wonderful change in him (some time I’ll share how much this movies means to me) and a song is playing in the background, “While I’m Waiting” sung by John Waller. I played the song on my IPod (thank you wonderful husband for having hundreds of inspirational songs at my fingertips!) and listened carefully to the words.

I then thanked God for the opportunity that has He given me in allowing me to be a mom to my children, and I realized what I needed to do to help my youngest daughter. I need to worship God and patiently wait for Him to continue to grow me and provide me opportunities to reach each of my children. I know it won’t be easy, but God is enough and He will help me.

I’m including several key phrases from this song, hoping that it brings you some encouragement as it did me today. It is a beautiful song and I apologize for not being able to include all the words, so please look it up!

I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
I will serve You
I will worship
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

And I am peaceful
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

A little update from my last blog about Timmy who was at the Cleveland Clinic. He had brain surgery last Thursday and was released from the hospital on Sunday and should be heading home to Tucson tomorrow. I continue to pray for Jim, Stacy and Timmy (as well as the rest of the family) as Timmy continues to recover. Praising God that Timmy is doing so well.

Mother to the Next Level

Mother to the Next Level - That's how my friend Jennifer labeled my last twenty-four hours earlier today. And she isn't aware of the continuing saga tonight.

Three adopted girls, 15, 12, 9; two are from the foster care system, with the 9 year old having lived with us for only 11 months. I forget! My bad! I forgot that it can take years to feel safe and secure; as it seems to Mark and I that all our children have been with us from the beginning of their lives.

Last night we served a "family" search warrant on the room shared by two of them. We found what we had named in the search warrant along with some other "borrowed" items. I had forgotten briefly that our behavioral specialist says that we live in the Land of Perjury, and that I had specified in the Den of Thieves. Well, after serving the search warrant, our living location had been confirmed. Once we got everything returned to their rightful owner, it was time for the jury trial. Tried and found guilty. Sentencing was completed by 11:15 PM; she will have to do the chores of the victim for the next four Saturdays under their supervision.

I thought the drama was over. My bad for thinking. Tonight we discovered that our web safety program wasn't set with the correct settings for one our children. They had viewed some very disturbing web sites in a manner of 10 minutes last night while I was tending to another one of the children. Now, before you point fingers, our computer is in the main family room and we do have a great family safe web program. That is, if the settings are set correctly. We had recently added this family member and evidently copied over the wrong profile's safety settings. So, back to the Land of Perjury in the Den of Thieves we go. However, the trial and subsequent sentencing were over by 9:40 PM, so we made some progress (however, we also started much earlier tonight than last night).

So, for all of you who are wondering, yes, I still have my sanity. Yes, I shed quite a few tears these past 23 hours. Yes, my knees are sore from praying so much. And Yes, God is Enough! He gave me a little glimpse into how damaged one of our children really is from having been exposed to some not so nice things before coming into our lives. We have a lot of work to do in trying to help this little one heal and learn to trust. I am so thankful for this little glimpse tonight. And it opened up a door for me to share something with her that I had been longing to tell her about her biological mom, but I never found the right time and tonight, God provided it.

God is Enough, Really!

Today was a great day! Sure, I had the normal "I hate you" attitude (she didn't say it aloud but the way her head was spinning and the smoke rising, it was easy to tell that was what she was thinking) from one our children before they walked out the door the school. Not the way I like our mornings starting out, especially as they are leaving for school. I feel sorry for the first person they encounter along their journey from our house to school, which is Ms. Janette, our wonderful crossing guard!

But, it was still a great day! I came to this conclusion after I had cried about this "beautiful" interaction with one of my daughters, to another daughter (and was shocked that she felt I handled it quite well) and had started my day at work by glancing at all of my friends' Facebook updated statuses. I do this every morning via my blackberry while I'm waiting for my work computer to log me on and load up my email so that I can start my daily ritual of putting out the fires that occurred from the time I left until we closed at 2 AM. As I was glancing through them, one caught my eye. It was from my favorite Christian music composer. His status was:

"IF GOD IS ENOUGH FOR YOU, THEN YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE ENOUGH, BECAUSE YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE GOD."

Thanks Michael for this reminder! He is enough for me! It is with this great reminder that I was able to put aside my grief and focus on my tasks at hand and go through my extremely crazy day that ended up with back to back meetings the entire day that all but one was a walk-in. So I got very little work done, but I survived without being the slightest bit stressed (which is NOT my norm on days this like).

I am focusing on that and remembering not to be disappointed or frustrated in the things that I don't have (and really, really want, puhleez!). God is enough and even at this moment I cling to that. We found out today that we are possibly expecting (the way us fost-adopt families do it) and we will know in three weeks whether or not we are going to have a new addition to our family sometime this summer. I won't be disappointed if this child is not ours when the decision is made as to which family best meets this child's needs. God is enough!

Mother's Day as an Adoptive Mom

Yesterday was Mother's Day. And for me, it was a stark reality check, as I am not the biological mother to any of our three children, as all three are adopted. Granted, I know that I am not their biological mother. However, I somehow forgot that until Friday. After all, I love them as much as I would love them if they were my biological children (I hope).

As I am no novice at Mother's Day as an adoptive mom, I do dread the school Mother's Day art project. I try to prepare myself for not getting the token art project, as in years past, these are sometimes addressed to bio. mom and sometimes to me. (The oldest child has been with us since she was 2 days old, but is no longer doing these token art projects, a lost art in high school). This year was no exception. Out of the two children who did art projects, one was addressed to bio. mom and one was addressed to me. Woohoo! I got lucky this year! That was until the child who did hers to bio. mom realized that we didn't have a way to get it to bio. mom, so she gave it to me after all, telling me to ignore the first page. After I read the first page, I realized that this heartfelt note really did belong to bio. mom and I kindly gave the art project back to her and suggested that she put it in her keepsake box with hopes that someday she would be able to give it her bio. mom. My heart was broken after reading the note to bio. mom, as my child misses her, even though it has been many years since she's seen her. That is a void that not even I can fill, no matter how much I want to. I took a "mommy time-out" and headed outside to cry my eyes out.

As the weekend progressed, we celebrated as a family by going out to dinner on Saturday night and then going to the Matt Maher and Shane & Shane Concert. We had planned to eat at a nice restaurant and then attend the concert. We forgot that we live with a teenager who struggles with the concept of time. So, fast food it was. The concert was awesome and the girls loved being able to meet Matt Maher afterwards. He was really sweet to them.

Sunday was a nice morning at church, followed by lunch at Cracker Barrel with Nana and Papa. We then stopped at the Mesa Cemetary to visit Mark's mom's gravesite. Our youngest daughter had a hard time understanding why were there, but that wasn't important. We were there as a family, support Mark.

We then headed to Nana and Papa's for dessert and to exchange gifts. I got individual cards from each of the two younger children and a beautiful card from Mark, along with a set of dessert plates that I had picked out (I've learned from 19 years of marriage to get the catalog or website and mark what I want - it saves on the amount of time spent in return lines at the store). My dad made me a leather bible cover and my mom gave me my Grandmother's thimble to add to my keepsakes of sewing tools that I have shadow boxed in my living room. The comment that I overhead my oldest say, "I hope mom didn't notice". Well, mom did notice that there wasn't even a signature on any of the cards from her , not even in someone else's handwriting.

As I have spent the last twenty-four hours trying to process through all my emotions of this weekend, trying to figure out how and where I fit into Mother's Day, I realized something. It isn't about me, it isn't about them. My job is train them up in His way's, not mine. Nowhere is it written in the Bible that moms get a special day of recognition. At the end of the day, I just need to look back and see if I've accomplished my task.

This life lesson that God is teaching me is very painful, but I am so thankful that He finds me worthy of the trouble.