Today was the "red file staffing" with CPS in which they picked a forever family for a 21 month old little boy from three potential families. We were one of those potential families. We were not picked to be his forever family.
When I received the call from our adoption agency this afternoon that a decision had been made and that it wasn't us, I pouted. I pouted for about ten seconds. I called Mark and let him know and he asked me if I was okay and I said "No". I said "No" because I was mystified at my reaction. I wasn't sad or relieved. I just was. Then it hit me. Nothing had changed within me. I was at peace. I thought yesterday that today I would be anxious about the meeting, but I went about my day, watching Suzy get her honor roll certificate and perfect attendance certificate, holding a meeting with my hopefully future replacement (a topic for another blog later on this weekend, I think), solving work problems, etc. without feeling any anxiety. I was simply relying on God, knowing that His will would be done in this situation.
So, this little boy wasn't the next new Eley. The CPS case worker who held this meeting told our adoption agency that she really liked our family and that she may have a potential match for us in another case. Hmmm. I told the adoption agency to just continue as always and if they heard of any other children that they think would be a good fit for our family to let us know. So, we wait. Praising and serving Him.
I asked Mark a few minutes ago what he thought about my reaction to the news today, or my lack thereof. He remarked that it was very telling, that obviously I was trusting God that this was the right decision.I have been a Christian for most of my life and it saddens me to say this, but I feel like I am now just beginning to get it what it really means to rely on God for my every need and even my desires. I pray that I do not forget this. King David reminds us of God's protector over us and the comfort He provides us in Psalm 23. I cling to these words, especially on days like today.
Right now, my house is full of children, only 4 out of the 6 are mine. There is lots of laughter, giggling, squealing, along with some snoring from a stuffy nosed 4 year old. Music to my ears. God is good. All the time!
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You may feel like you are just starting to get what it really means to rely on God for your every need and even your desires, but you need to remember your past. God is growing you (and us) to a new level, but you have to admit that several years ago, if we had not been relying on God, we wouldn't be sitting here beside one another having these deep (and public?) conversations. God IS good all the time. He has been, He is, and He forever will be.
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