I WANT TO BE CLONE is a Steve Taylor (contemporary Christian artist) song back when I was in high school (over way too many years ago). It has been forever since I heard the song, but this past week, I kept saying it over and over, as I actually felt like I needed a clone of me. I was struggling with the realization that I was unable to be in two places at once, yet I needed to be.
As I was driving home from St. Joseph's Hospital Sunday night after leaving Vanessa's side, where I had been for the past 36 hours (with a 4 hour break), my heart was breaking and my tears were flowing. I desperately wanted to stay by her side and care for you (daddy was staying with her), because, after all, care-giving is what us moms do best. However, during my 4 hour break at home that afternoon, I had spent some time consoling TJ after he awoke from his nap to find me home and he started crying "My mommy, my mommy". He even got really angry while I was holding him and rocking him and he climbed out of my lap, went into his closet and closed one side of it, screaming "I want my mommy". My absence from home in 36 hour stretches was taking its toll on him. He had also regressed in some other behaviors as well.
I knew my going home for that Sunday night was what TJ, Jessica and Suzy needed, but Vanessa needed me too. I had hit that infamous wall of sheer exhaustion and emotional wailing. As I was ending my nearly 25 minute drive home, I suddenly felt at peace. I had been listening to KLove radio and a song (that I now can't remember what it was) was very comforting, reminding me that God is always here, taking care of my needs. As always, the encouragement that I was needing was given. My tank was empty and God filled it again. All I needed to do was ask (which was what I had been doing through the tears as I was driving home).
Vanessa is now home and yet I still struggle with not being able to meet all of my childrens' needs as she requires a lot of care. I am still exhausted, but thankful that at least everyone is under the same roof now. It has been awesome having the meals continue to come each night (I was finally able to begin enjoying them, as I was eating at the hospital each dinner time) so that I can focus on my family and not have to worry about the meal planning and fixing.
I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family who have surrounded us in prayer during this very difficult time. Vanessa is in a lot of discomfort and pain and my heart breaks every time she is crying or frustrated about not being able to do hardly anything for herself, but we know with each passing day, her body will continue to heal. God has been so good and faithful to us.