Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Count down is almost at Zero

It is 10:10 PM and less than 6 hours I will be waking up (if I sleep at all) in order for Mark and I to take Vanessa to St. Joseph's hospital for her spinal fusion surgery. We are all going through a lot of different emotions right now, especially Vanessa. I am impressed that she has is handling as well as she is.

Vanessa got to see her two biological half sisters tonight and that was a huge blessing. Their adoptive father has offered to assist us in dealing with Vanessa's pain management once she is home (that is what he does) and come to find out, he is at the naturopathetic college just down the street from us every Tuesday so that we won't have to drive too far. It was nice of them to drive from Gilbert just to see Vanessa for about 30 minutes with a three year old and a four year old. TJ found some new playmates! Vanessa was relieved to hear that her mom had made contact with their adoptive mom about five months ago and that was she still clean and had just started working.

Vanessa's surgery is scheduled to start at 7 AM on Thursday, October 1, 2009 and should take about 5 hours. They are fusing her spine between the L2 and the T3 (or L3 and T2, I can't recall which it is). She will lose some range of motion, but not too much. Her hospital stay will be 5 to 7 days, with 1-2 days in the ICU. One of us will be with her at all times (Mark and I have worked out a schedule so that I am able to spend the majority of the evenings/night time at home with TJ and the other kids as we are trying to find that balance, plus Mark can sleep anywhere, I am not so lucky).

We appreciate all of the prayers of our wonderful family and friends. And very thankful for everyone who is providing meals and child care for our children so that we can focus on taking care of Vanessa. We have meals lined up for Friday through Monday, college age girls are assisting with the required over age 18 supervision for Thursday morning and the weekend with lots of back-ups in place and lots of prayers. We are so blessed!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Even Jesus asked...

I'm having trouble sleeping these days. I have so much spinning through my head and it has been keeping me up at nights. Tonight is no exception. I'm not worrying about things, I'm just thinking about them, running different scenarios through my head, trying to plan ahead for the next few weeks and making sure that everyone's needs will be met during the time that Vanessa is in the hospital and when she first comes home. I am a planner, you should see how I plan a vacation. Mark used to be irritated about how well thought out and planned every trip was, but has now learned to appreciate it, as everything is a known and it helps the kids prepare as well. (Yesterday, I met someone who is actually more of a planner than me, Mark didn't think there was anyone who could be more than I was).

Along with the spinning head, I feel down, and at this moment, alone. I think the alone feeling is coming from the fact that the house is quiet (I'm in a room without the baby monitor in it), which is a rarity and something that I'm not used these days (it's amazing how it seems like TJ has been here forever and it's only been 8 weeks). It's also 12:12 AM on Monday morning, which is why I am alone. I do know that God is with me and this is a great time for me to reflect on my relationship with Him and look forward.

I don't like what the future has in store for my family these next few weeks. Vanessa is not doing well emotionally. We have never had a really good relationship and it is certainly not getting any better these days. There is a small part of me that has asked God, why Vanessa, and couldn't she be passed over. I felt guilty for asking and then I was reminded that when Jesus was in the Garden of Gethasame, He also asked if the cup could be passed, but then He said that God's will be done. Sometimes we just need to ask, even if the answer is no.

This is God's will my family's life right now and I know that no matter what, He is control. I give Vanessa to Him, as well as our relationship. It's not easy, but I do it willingly. I have come to realize that I can't do anything on my own, no matter how much I try or want to.

I appreciate everyone who is praying for us and for those who have offered up assistance during the time Vanessa is in the hospital and beyond. God is good and we are blessed.