Even Jesus asked...

I'm having trouble sleeping these days. I have so much spinning through my head and it has been keeping me up at nights. Tonight is no exception. I'm not worrying about things, I'm just thinking about them, running different scenarios through my head, trying to plan ahead for the next few weeks and making sure that everyone's needs will be met during the time that Vanessa is in the hospital and when she first comes home. I am a planner, you should see how I plan a vacation. Mark used to be irritated about how well thought out and planned every trip was, but has now learned to appreciate it, as everything is a known and it helps the kids prepare as well. (Yesterday, I met someone who is actually more of a planner than me, Mark didn't think there was anyone who could be more than I was).

Along with the spinning head, I feel down, and at this moment, alone. I think the alone feeling is coming from the fact that the house is quiet (I'm in a room without the baby monitor in it), which is a rarity and something that I'm not used these days (it's amazing how it seems like TJ has been here forever and it's only been 8 weeks). It's also 12:12 AM on Monday morning, which is why I am alone. I do know that God is with me and this is a great time for me to reflect on my relationship with Him and look forward.

I don't like what the future has in store for my family these next few weeks. Vanessa is not doing well emotionally. We have never had a really good relationship and it is certainly not getting any better these days. There is a small part of me that has asked God, why Vanessa, and couldn't she be passed over. I felt guilty for asking and then I was reminded that when Jesus was in the Garden of Gethasame, He also asked if the cup could be passed, but then He said that God's will be done. Sometimes we just need to ask, even if the answer is no.

This is God's will my family's life right now and I know that no matter what, He is control. I give Vanessa to Him, as well as our relationship. It's not easy, but I do it willingly. I have come to realize that I can't do anything on my own, no matter how much I try or want to.

I appreciate everyone who is praying for us and for those who have offered up assistance during the time Vanessa is in the hospital and beyond. God is good and we are blessed.