Did we just lose our child?

That is a question that we are asking ourselves tonight. We were supposed to meet our new son this afternoon at 3:30 PM at a park about 90 minutes from our house. At 1:30 PM I received a phone call from our adoption agency. There was to be no visitation. Our licensing worker had very little information about what had happened. She did say that she would be hearing from CPS next Tuesday after they have a meeting. We do know that this has nothing to do with us. It is something that is going on elsewhere in the system and they have put a stop to his adoption placement.

I had a 1:30 PM meeting (which I had left to take this phone call since I knew who was calling me), so I had to text Mark that the visitation had been cancelled and then endured (what seemed liked forever) a 75 minute work meeting. My boss knew I had to leave and at some point during the meeting he asked why I was still there and I told him that the phone call I had stepped out to take was cancelling the visitation. The look on his face was one of shock, but he didn't say any more. The tears flowed immediately after the meeting was over and I was able to close my office door.

The tears have continued off and on tonight, as I go through the grieving process of uncertainty. Have we really lost him? CPS does not know the answer to this question. This is the first in all of years of doing this that we have made it this far in the adoption process to have it stopped. It has always been earlier in the process so we are in uncharted territory for us.

We told the other children that we don't know yet what is going on. We haven't suggested to them that we are not going to get him. I want to send as few mixed messages as possible. We don't know yet, so that is what they know. We did send an email to the CPS caseworker letting them know that as painful as this was, we still desired him in our family, but we truly want to do what they feel is best for him.

We know that God has a plan for our lives and for this child, whether he join our family or not. So for now, we are just taking it one step at a time, still walking outside of our boat.

We appreciate your prayers for our family as we wait this out. This does give me more time to focus on getting my asthma under control. I've had a bad flare-up for the past eight weeks, so I'm changing steroids and using my rescue inhalers on a regular basis daily as well as daily breathing treatments. (Of course, that would require me going to the pharmacy to fill the new prescriptions, which I forgot today and didn't have any time to do yesterday). I did get all of my blood work done today and chest x-ray to confirm that this is just asthma and not walking pneumonia.

I am humming one of my favorite songs, "Our God is Greater" by Chris Tomlin. Such a comfort tonight.